Reuseable grocery bags and I haven’t been getting along too well. I always seem to have them in my home, but never in my vehicle. It is a horrible thing to say, but I used to think poorly, say 10 years ago, of people who would bring their own bags to grocery stores. They seemed like snobs, looking down their noses at the rest of us. I care about the environment, but these people seemed too green, if there was such a thing. I could visualize them hanging Greenpeace signs on bridges, and worshipping David Suzuki. (Note: I think David Suzuki is a cool dude.) In hindsight, I think I was suffering from reuseable grocery-bag envy. If I have to have an envy, it is probably a good one. To do my small part for the environment, besides recycling and composting, I thought I would do little things like using premium gas in my vehicles to reduce emissions. Apparently, that is not true. I try not to pass gas outdoors, and indoors only at home and in crowded elevators. Skyscrapers are heavenly. I have trees and plants throughout my yard. Many of the plants are scientifically known as weeds.

 I have at least 15 grocery bags hanging in a closet at my home. On good days, I will remember to grab a couple of them when I am going to the store. I have more bad days than good. I will get to the store’s parking lot and look into the back seat. Then, I swear. Most times I don’t think I am heard, although driving a convertible is a gamechanger. At the best of times, it is difficult to stifle a bomb. Mumbling is about the best a person can hope to do. The most embarrassing time I swore was when I was at a drive-thru at McDonald’s. It was a really cold winter day, and when I went to lower my window, it clunked and disappeared out of sight. I dropped a bomb, and then ordered my food. When I got to the window to pay, the middle-aged woman looked disgusted. I tried a “good morning” on her, but she didn’t bite. “There is no need to say things like that,” she said. There was a need. How would she like to lose a car window on a cold day? I apologized, but I shouldn’t have. She was rude to a loyal customer. It was years before I used that McDonald’s drive-thru again. I worried I would be the subject of conversation behind the window. “The guy with the foul mouth is here again. Don’t put a straw in the bag.” When I don’t get a straw in my bag, I swear like a junior hockey player. I quit going to a different McDonald’s when the woman at the pay window congratulated me on a promotion. My photo appeared with the announcement. I thought if someone recognized me from a small photo in the paper, I am going to that McDonald’s too often. Rather than cutback on my consumption, I started going to another one.

 When I am in a store, I grab a bucket for carrying my groceries. Even without bags, I figure if I buy four or five things, I can carry them to the car. So far, I haven’t dropped a jar of pickles or anything like that. If I ever should drop a bottle of booze, you would hear me swearing all the way from Saskatoon to Davidson. Now, here’s a problem, and maybe the point of this column. If I buy more items than what I figure I can carry, I have to shell out 35 cents or whatever for another bag.

There are bags for sale at checkout points for a reason. They are for people like me, and some of you. I know I could get a cart, and toss the items into my car, but that is not how I operate. Besides, this column would be more meaningless than it is. When I get home, I add another bag to the collection. I typically forget to return it to the car, and the cycle begins again. Here’s the thing about having all these bags. How do I dispose of them? One trick is to spread them around. By this I mean when I go to an event like a grandchild’s birthday, I take the gift in a bag. “Do you want your bag back?” “I’m good.” It is the same when I take something to my mom, to a neighbourhood get together, or to good will. Double bagging, even for light items, works well. Of course, similar things can happen in reverse. The goal is to give away more than you receive. An example of my household’s bag problem just occurred. My wife was getting into the car to go to the store. She came back into the house. “I forgot to take a bag,” she said. This isn’t a her thing; it’s a we thing. The we is more me than her. Why not take two or three or four bags when we grab one? That is a question we haven’t answered.

Anyway, there are three takeaways from this column: 1. Keep bags in your vehicle; 2. Don’t swear in a McDonald’s drive-thru; 3. Avoid crowded elevators.

-Cam Hutchinson