Life has a way of throwing you curveballs when you least expect it! There are so many possible responses, some healthy and helpful, while others are not. These are the least helpful:

1. 1. Anger

For some this is the most familiar and natural response but the consequences to that are that you close the door on any meaningful conversation and put your body into fight-or-flight mode that increases your heart rate, blood pressure, and causes emotional distress. This is the sympathetic nervous response. It takes time for the calming parasympathetic system to recover to normal.

2. Avoidance

For those of us who hate confrontation, this is the path of least resistance and is not effective in doing any problem solving. It is frustrating for everyone concerned.

3. Accommodating

This is a quick fix but often results in you sacrificing your own needs. It is not a long-term solution and does not foster caring, respectful relationships.

4. Passive-aggressive behaviour

This is where you may claim to be OK about the situation but be angry leading to delaying what has been requested or not refusing but not doing what was requested either, then being sarcastic about what has happened. The other person may believe your first response about being OK, then feels surprised when the true feelings are expressed in a sarcastic way. There is no good way for this to end other than breaking the pattern and being honest about your feelings. A more productive response might be to “Seek first to Understand, then to be understood” as recommended in Steven Covey’s book on Principal Centered Leadership. In this method you earnestly seek to see issues from the other side before you voice an opinion hoping for a win-win situation.

5. Collaborating

This requires a lot of time and cooperation and works best if you are on the same power level. The goal is to find a respectful solution that benefits everyone.

6. Compromising

This demands some assertiveness and cooperation from all involved. This usually works well, usually everyone feels a little dissatisfied but a solution is found. Once you have resolved the dispute, take the action that you agreed upon. Delaying leads to confusion and renegotiation.

Bear in mind the three Cs of conflict resolution –Communication, Collaboration and Compromise and the 4As of conflict resolution: Acknowledge, accept, appreciate and apologize.

Acknowledge there is a problem or conflict and try to get to the root of it. Is it a personality issue, a communication breakdown or difference in goals or lack of funds?

Accept the responsibility for creating the conflict.

Appreciate the interests of those involved and apologize if you have made a mistake. The interesting part of this is that you must take stock of your own values and beliefs. Are they relevant? Do they need adjusting? What are others bringing to the table? In order to discover this, you must accept that others have differing values and beliefs. The hardest part is to separate emotions from the decisions. My mom, a very wise woman, had a few ways to describe this. She would say “rise above” the situation and try to imagine what is going on for others — what stressors are on them? Are they supported? Is their response to you about you or is it about something else going on in their lives? You need to stop and think it through. What steps can you take to become centred again? For a lot of women it is through talking and talking and talking about the situation toa confidant.

Men often need cave time to try to process and find solutions. What forms of self care can make a difference?

1. Breathe in quietly for four seconds, hold it for seven seconds, then exhale forcefully through the mouth, pursed lips for eight seconds. Repeat four times.

2. Exercise: walk, yoga, dance

3. Meditate: There are many forms of meditation and it can be extremely beneficial.

 4. Get a restful sleep. IT is amazing how emotions can be regulated by your brain if you get a deep sleep.

5. Sing or laugh

6. Massage

7. Connect with nature

8. Take a cold shower to jolt your nervous system.

Conflict is never easy. Take these steps to centre yourself that allows you to approach it from a position of strength and equanimity.

Dr. Vicki Holmes is a Saskatoon retired family physician who has a special interest in Palliative Care and Women’s Health. She is passionate about sharing medical information with the public! (Vicki’s Photo: Memories by Mandy)

– Dr. Vicki Holmes