Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “In the World Cup, France beat England 2-1. What I like about France is no trash-talking. Actually, they can’t trash talk because, in soccer, you’re not allowed to use your hands.”

• Al Michaels on Thursday night Football, about Jets’ QB Mike White seeing a plethora of doctors to deal with an injury: “He saw every doctor except Zhivago and Julius Erving.”

• PGA Tour player Mackenzie Hughes, on Twitter: “This has been a tough decision to make, but after talking with my family and friends, I’ve decided to retire. The game has just beaten me up too much over the years. One day I may come back, but for now it’s time to say goodbye to fantasy football.”

• Phil Mushnick of the New York Post: “To assign ‘Hollerin’ Kevin Harlan an NFL game on CBS or Westwood One Radio, is like listening to a bingo caller on a cruise ship loaded with hard-of-hearing seniors.”

• Pierre LeBrun in The Athletic, on junior hockey star Connor Bedard: “He is the kind of prospect an NHL franchise should go all-out tanka-palooza for.”

• RJ Currie of sportsdeke. com: “Canadian Olympic figure skater Tessa Virtue has gotten engaged to Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman Morgan Rielly. I suggest a spring honeymoon — the Leafs usually aren’t busy that time of year.”

• Comedy writer Torben Rolfsen of Vancouver: “Switching over from the end of the World Juniors to NHL games on Thursday night was like watching the Moon Landing followed by a documentary on plumbing.”

• Alex Kaseberg again: “Less than a week after team trainers saved the life of Damar Hamlin, the Packers’ Quay Walker was ejected for shoving a Lions trainer aiding an injured player. It was the stupidest thing I have ever seen in the NFL and I saw the Chargers draft Ryan Leaf second overall.”

• Another one from Kaseberg: “In Dallas’ 31-14 win over Tampa Bay, Cowboys’ kicker Brett Maher missed a record four extra points. It turns out Maher is a German word for shank.”

• Jason Sobel of Sirius SX, on Twitter: “Patrick Reed threw a tee at Rory McIlroy, which might not sound like much, but this is essentially golf’s version of a bench clearing brawl.”

• RJ Currie again: “The Edmonton Oilers hung updates of their 20 total NHL division, conference and Cup banners at Rogers Place. Not to be outdone, the Winnipeg Jets installed new Plexiglas.”

• More RJ Currie: “Tiger Woods recently told Golf Channel’s Morning Drive if all the pieces fall into place, he still has a shot at Nicklaus’s 18 majors. It was so inspiring that I mailed another marriage proposal to Anne Hathaway.”

• Kaseberg again: “When asked who he liked more, the Eagles or the Chiefs, George Santos said, “I’ve never heard of the band the Chiefs. But I used to play guitar for the Eagles.”

• Broadcaster Colt Knost on the raucous 16th hole at the Waste Management Phoenix Open: “We’ve got a loaded leaderboard and a loaded gallery.”

• Bryan Hayes of TSN, on Twitter: “Imagine being on the LIV Tour and watching Tiger, JT and Rory roll birdies on 18 at Riviera and thinking ‘well, guess I got a big match against the Range Goats tomorrow.’”

• Vancouver comedy guy Steve Burgess, referencing the proliferation of gambling in the world of sports: “I am guessing we’re a year or two away from teams being awarded the Super Bowl only if they cover the spread.”

• Columnist Rob Vanstone in his farewell column in the Regina Leader-Post: “Be assured that dogs are much more popular than sports columnists. As a bonus, dogs can be housebroken.”

• More from Kaseberg: “The frisbee dog at the halftime of the University of Louisville basketball game took a big No. 2 on the court. He got the idea from watching the Los Angeles Lakers play.”

• Steve Simmons of Sunmedia, on the Winnipeg Jets activity at the NHL’s trade deadline: “The Jets went conservative and picked up Nino Niederreiter and Vladislav Namestnikov at the deadline. The team is no better on the ice but they are harder to spell.”

• Rolfsen again, on defenceman Jacob Chychrun being traded from Arizona to Ottawa: “He’s truly experiencing climate change.”

• Another Burgess offering, tweeting during the U.S. blowout win over Canada in the World Baseball Classic: “If the USA scores four more runs against Canada they get custody of Windsor and a formal apology for the War of 1812.”

• Another one from Kaseberg: “People are really into their NCAA Tournament brackets or they’re not. Today I told a woman I had Gonzaga in the Semis and she suggested I see a urologist.”

• Radio sportscaster Mike Golic, Jr.: “I wonder if the influx of cash going to college football players will lead to better quality tattoos.”

• Mushnick again: “As the door in old Tigers Stadium read, ‘Visitors Clubhouse, No Visitors.’”

• Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, on the death of Willis Reed, who famously limped onto the court in the 1970 NBA final to lead the Knicks to the title: “Fifty years later in New York, Kyrie Irving missed an entire season because he wouldn’t get jabbed with a needle.”

• RJ Currie again: “Complaints from fans prompted the N.Y. Islanders to scrap their new goal horn. It’s a shame too, because they got a good deal on it from the Ottawa Senators, who had rarely used it.”

• Paul Friesen of the Winnipeg Sun, on the gritty style of the Calgary Flames: “Playing Darryl Sutter’s Flames is like trying to eat a cactus salad, with motor oil for dressing.”

• RJ Currie again: “Ohio residents recently voted not to legalize marijuana. Not to worry Cleveland Browns fans: you’ve still got liquor.”

• Another one from Kaseberg: “Regarded as the worst owner in sports, Dan Snider is selling the NFL’s Washington Commanders for $6 billion (after buying the team for $750 million). That will show him.”

• RJ Currie again: “One of Google’s computer-driven cars was pulled over in California for going too slow. The police christened it Danica Patrick.”

• Golden Knights Twitter feed after Mark Stone’s two goals led Vegas to a 5-2 win over Winnipeg Jets on April 20: “Nothing like getting Mark Stoned on 4/20.”

• Bob Molinaro again: “The Oakland A’s relocation in 2027 will give Las Vegas three major pro sports franchises. Finally, something for tourists to do in that town.”

• From the parody website the Beaverton: “Calgary tackles housing crisis by spending $867 million on new home for the Flames.”

• Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: “How much worse do the Oakland A’s have to look before Las Vegas says, ‘Never mind, don’t come, we’re holding out for a major league baseball team?’”

• Bob Molinaro again, on Saturday, May 5: “With the Derby in Louisville and the coronation of King Charles in London, Saturday will be a big day for silly hats.”

• Another one from Simmons: “Do you remember that (the Leafs’ Brendan) Shanahan offered a front office position to Kelly McCrimmon when he was running the Brandon Wheat Kings? McCrimmon stayed in junior hockey and then left for Vegas, where he is currently GM. The Golden Knights have won eight playoff rounds in McCrimmon’s time in Vegas. The Leafs have won eight in the past 24 years.”

• RJ Currie again: “Have you seen the life-size bronze statue of Shaquille O’Neal outside of Staples Center? It’s just like Shaq, only it’s lighter and more mobile.”

• Former pro hockey player Rich Preston, recalling his days with the Houston Aeros of the World Hockey Association when he played on a line with Gordie and Marty Howe: “Terry Ruskowski said: ‘That’s not a bad line, but it needs a nickname. They came up with, ‘Howe, Howe and Who!’”

• Bob Molinaro again: “Victor Wembanyama, the Eiffel Tower of hoops, could be held back at first by his spindly frame. The NBA’s presumptive No. 1 draft pick from France is built like a baguette. He’ll be better served when he’s closer to a loaf of rye.”

• One more from Rolfsen: “Remember when ‘Fear the Beard’ meant James Harden, instead of an Alek Manoah start?”

• Golf journalist Shane Bacon, lamenting the recent focus on off-course instead of on-course news: “The focus has been on wallets instead of wedges.”

• Jerry Tarde of golf digest.com, simplifying the PGA-Saudi golf merger: “‘Marry me or I will kill you’ was the proposition the PGA Tour commissioner faced. In the geopolitical world, it’s the same deal Putin proposed to Ukraine and China to Taiwan.”

• Ron Green, Jr., of golfpost. com., on the 80-yard 15th hole at the Los Angeles Country Club: “That’s shorter than Terrell Hatton’s temper.”

• Mike Bianchi again: “Putting Lord Stanley’s Cup in Vegas is like hanging the Mona Lisa in Room 123 of the Motel 6 in Ocala.”

Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca

-Bruce Penton