Let’s start off with one from my old buddy Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: “A pair of Michael Jordan’s game-worn ‘Air Jordan 1’ sneakers sold at auction for a record $560,000. They were the GOAT’s, all right: The shoes were his preferred sizes — one a 13, the other a 13½ — and the tongues were still hanging out.”
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From Patti Dawn Swansson: “FC Seoul (a soccer team) has apologized for using female sex dolls as faux fans during a recent match. Putting dummies in the seats at sports events is a really bad idea. But enough about Drake.”
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Another from Swansson, on a similar topic: “A Bundesliga soccer match between Borussia Moenchengladbach and Bayer Leverkusen on Saturday featured 13,000 life-size, cardboard cutouts (of actual people) in the stands. The bad news: Cardboard fans are hell on beer sales. The good news: No long lineups to the washrooms.”
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I know this much. A match between Moenchengladbach and Bayer Leverkusen is a nightmare for a headline writer.
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Comedy writer Marc Ragovin, on the South Korean soccer team apologizing for substituting sex dolls for actual fans: “Man, talk about inflating attendance figures.”
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From Janice Hough: “According to an ESPN report, cancelling the college football season would result in a $4 billion loss for college athletic programs across the United States. I wonder how much it would cost ESPN.”
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A question broadcaster Dave Hodge asked on Twitter: “If your favourite team wins the 2020 Stanley Cup will you feel: 1. The same excitement as in any other year; 2. More excitement; 3. Less excitement; 4. No excitement?” My team, the Detroit Red Wings, isn’t in the playoffs. Had they been, I would say more excitement, given the whacky playoff format. On the other hand, if the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Cup, I think there should be an asterisk beside it.
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From best-selling author Jeff Pearlman: “If my kids grew up to have Michael Jordan-esque world views, personalities, approaches toward co-workers … I’d be terribly disappointed. Winning is a vastly overrated experience. Being kind to people is far more fruitful.”
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If you are looking for a good read, pick up one of Pearlman’s sports books. You won’t regret it.
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Hough, on Dodger Stadium being the largest coronavirus testing facility in California, checking up to 6,000 people daily: “Of course, it could test more, if people showed up sooner than an hour after the scheduled start time.”
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From hockey 50 years ago: “NY Times has broken a disturbing story this morning: NY Rangers goalie Terry Sawchuk has been in Long Island Memorial Hospital for the past three weeks in intensive care after being injured in a scuffle with teammate Ron Stewart back in April. (Note: Sawchuk died of injuries he sustained in the fight with Stewart. A Nassau County grand jury found the death to be accidental, absolving Stewart of blame.)
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From Stephen Colbert: “I still haven’t decided where to go for my week off, but I’ve got it narrowed down to the kitchen or the den.”
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Another from Perry: “NASCAR fined six crew chiefs after postrace inspectors at Darlington discovered loose lug nuts on their cars. As in $10,000 per nut — and you thought cashews were expensive.”
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Hough, on a report that two horses trained by Bob Baffert tested positive for a banned substance in Arkansas: “Well, at least horses can’t complain to the media about it being a ‘tainted supplement.’”
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From comedy writer Brad Dickson, who was peeved that Nebraska allowed softball to return on June 1: “Personally, I’m looking forward to that league where employees from all of the meatpacking plants square off.”
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Hough, on the NHL abandoning the rest of the regular season and going straight into the playoffs with 24 teams: “So the 29-36 San Jose Sharks came about three games short of making the postseason.”
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Swansson, on rumblings that Mike Tyson, at age 53, will come out of retirement to fight Sonny Bill Williams, a heavyweight boxer who plays rugby for the Toronto Wolfpack: “But apparently Williams began to have second thoughts when Tyson looked at him and said, ‘My, what big ears you have.’”
-Cam Hutchinson